February 26, 2017

The "Alternative" Oscars

I haven't sat through The Oscars in its entirety in years.

I know, I know...the glitz the glamour, the pageantry, who wore who, I really should be interested, but I'm not. It's not that I don't like movies, I do. But I only like certain kinds of movies.  While everybody was raving about Leo fighting a bear last year, I was proudly stating that I just saw Cherry 2000 for the first time. Also I think the whole thing is sort of dumb, to be honest. 
So apropos of nothing, I made up my own awards for your consideration. The speeches can go on as long as they want to. And if anybody asks, I'm wearing H & M, Levi's and New Balance. Thank you.

Best Christmas Present-Themed Facebook Message with my Brother:

Runner Up: An email I was copied on where my brother said he was going to get my other brother "Paula Deen,wrapped in a bow and nothing else, with a stick of butter in each ear and a few more in other orifices." I wisely stayed out of that conversation.

Best Twitter moment so far: When I realized I was blocked by white supremacist David Duke. Yeah me!!!!!

Best part of 2017 So Far: The lovely Ash vs. Evil Dead gift pack I received from the lovely Starz people. I now have an Ash vs. Evil Dead Lunch Box to go with my Ash vs. Evil Dead beer pong set. Feel free to be jealous.

Runner Up: The day after New Years, which I spent in my PJs, drinking Rumchata and playing Final Fantasy 3 on SNES.

Worst Part of 2017: Everything else.

Best Actress: The blue-haired Barista who pretended to ignore the fact that my laptop headphone jack had come undone and who patiently listened to my boring budget meeting for half an hour.

Best Actor:  Trump, who might look kind of human, but is actually one of the aliens from They Live.

Best Performance Overall: Me on I-75 this week, singing loudly to Gaston's song, complete with pantomime. With the windows down. In February. You're welcome.
In Memoriam: (no clapping please)

Dignity, class and honesty in politics
That one sweater I kept from 10 years ago that never came back into fashion
Scott Baio's career (although I think it passed on some time ago)
IMDB Message Boards (that one HURT)
The eggplant I had every intention of cooking, but forgot about in the crisper. I'm sorry.

So that was it, and no I couldn't come up with a cute name for the awards so I just called them "Alternative Oscars". Because they're not the Oscars, but I don't really want to say they're not.

Got any awards or academy-worthy moments of you're own you'd like to share? Categories are open.

February 11, 2017

Cheryl's List of Odd Fictional Crushes

I have the greatest boyfriends. 💓

Yes I said 'boyfriends'. And no, I'm not a total playa, I don't cheat. I haven't led a life of passionate intrigue, using men at will and throwing them away in favor of a new romance when finished. Although that does sound like fun.

You see, the boyfriends I'm talking about don't really exist.

But before you cluck your tongue in dismay and think "aww poor thing", keep in mind you've been there. I don't care how old or young you are, married or single, you've had crushes on characters that didn't exist outside of a book or a movie, sometimes both. I've seen many a lady in my time lust over Edward and Christian from the Twilight Series and 50 Shades respectively. Not me of course, I have taste, but they did. And it's not just the ladies. Guys drool over hot chicks all the time. And no boys, Margot Robbie's Harley Quinn will never be yours. Sorry. Not Sorry.

So in honor of Valentine's Day, I present to you: Cheryl's List of Odd Fictional Crushes. I've already discussed my love for Cyan from Final Fantasy but here are the others. Enjoy. 

Mark Hamill/Luke Skywalker - The names were pretty much interchangeable when I was a kid and I'm pretty sure Mark/Luke may have been my first real crush. At the very least I remember playing Barbie with my best friend and my doll regularly going steady with him. My friend's, on the other hand, was always torn between John Schneider and Scott Baio. I definitely made the wiser choice.
Vampire Hunter D - I dunno....maybe it's the hair, maybe it's the wicked sword, maybe it's the fact that he's a goddamn vampire hunter, but Vampire Hunter D, the title character of one of the few animes I'll watch, is just awesome and I'll forever love him. Badassery never looked so damn cool.  
Captain Hook - Nah, I'm not talking about that 'Once Upon a Time Jack Sparrow looking MFer'. I'm not talking about Dustin Hoffman or Disney. I'm not even talking about Jason Isaacs' great portrayal in the criminally underrated 2003 version of Peter Pan (although he was the best in my opinion). I'm talking about the original Captain from the book Peter Pan. As a kid I felt sorry for Hook while at the same time being slightly intrigued by his sinister nature. I also wanted to kiss him. I was a weird child. Don't judge. 

Ra's Al Ghul - Not the movie one, although Liam Neeson is certainly nice to look at. I mean Batman: The Animated Series' Ra's Al Ghul. I don't even know why, since he's evil, balding and creepy. Maybe it was his body. Or the fact that he had the voice of David Warner. And who could resist the voice of David Warner? Just try. I dare you.
Quint (Jaws) - Robert Shaw played the most manliest man in all of mandom. A salty sea dog with tales to tell and the squintiest bluest blue eyes you've ever seen. Oh Quint, I know you became half the man you used to be (literally) but we can still make it work....
Sherlock Holmes - Most ladies I know crush on Benedict Cumberbatch who truthfully does nothing for me. You know who I like? Book Sherlock Holmes. I finally got to reading some of Conan Doyle's works last year and fell madly in love. Granted I don't think our fictional relationship would last long because he's a bit a pompous jackass and I sort of wanted to smack him. But you have to admit, intelligence can be pretty damn sexy. Even if it is slightly annoying.

There are others (there are always others) and granted I don't live forever in a dream. After all, you do need to dip your toes in real life from time to time. But it's fun to imagine things that could never be, just in case the world gets to be too much to handle. Another bonus? If you get into a fight with a fictional boyfriend, you win the argument. Every. Damn.Time.

So, since we all know we have them, what are some of your fictional loves?