January 26, 2017

Confessions of the Apocalypse

Okay, confession time.

I've been on Twitter way too much lately. I've been reading every political article my friends post on Facebook and even (god help me) the comments underneath. I've been watching the news before work and after work and also reading online articles.

The good thing is I know what's going on in the world. The bad thing is I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD. And everything I see leads me to only one conclusion.

I mean it has to, right? We can't go on like this forever. Everything's painful, dark and dismal and racist and sad and depressing and generally horrible, so yep, we're all going to be very dead very soon. I'm sure of it.

The way I see it, the end of the world could come in two different ways. The first involves the earth exploding into a huge ball of massive destruction in what I'd like to call The Big Awesome Fiery Apocalyptic Crash of Epic Doom or BAFACED for short (and yes that acronym means nothing). All that will be left will be a mere whiff of ozone, some discarded Snicker wrappers and thousands of individual socks that still don't have a matching partner. Because irony.

The second, and far more likely, scenario, is zombies. Everyone thinks that if zombies took over, they'd be able to handle it. The truth is we'd all be worm food because no matter how badass you think you are, you still shriek when you see a small spider skitter across the floor. So when the inevitable zombie uprising happens, you're not suddenly going to become some muscular demi-god killing machine dispatching the undead with an unlimited supply of guns and ammo at your side. Nope, you're going to be the same person you were before. The type of person who pulled a groin muscle reaching for the remote while eating a Hostess Twinkie and watching The Walking Dead in their underwear.

Yes, the world is doomed.

But before all the mass destruction and potential brain-eating, I just need to get a few things off my chest. Some confessions of the apocalypse if you will. Full disclosure: some of these are stupid, some may be (slightly) controversial but all are totally true.

So here it goes:

*  I think Radiohead is overrated and I find Thom Yorke's voice to be whiny and annoying.

*  The Dark Knight was just okay.

*  Sometimes when you're talking, I'm paying attention. But usually I'm just Mystery Science 
    Theater 3000 riffing you in my brain.

*  I would marry book Sherlock Holmes if I could.

*  I honestly wouldn't marry TV Sherlock Holmes even if I could.

*  Nutella is just okay.

*  Those jeans DO make you look fat.

*  Captain Hook was misunderstood. 

*  Eric Idle once retweeted me. This may have been the high point of my life. 

*  I figured out the ending to The Sixth Sense and nobody believes me but honestly I DID.

*  The ugliest word in the English language is 'fart'.

*  I'd take Luke Skywalker over Han Solo any day.

*  I hate racists so I guess I'm kind of prejudiced that way.

*  I have never seen an episode of Dr. Who.

*  I ate the last cookie.

Well, that felt great. I can only hope that whatever being awaits us in the afterlife will forgive me of all the aforementioned sins and cleanse my immortal soul. Because I know some die-hards out there who are never going to forgive me for that Dr. Who one and some that may actually want to kill me over the Luke/Han one. Seriously. I might need to go underground until the world explodes.

So those were mine. Anything you'd like to confess before we all die? 😏 (Oh and sorry about that jeans thing. I just really thought you should know).


  1. Replies
    1. I've only seen some of it! My best friend is Italian and we keep on saying we'll have a pizza and Godfather night so I can watch it the whole way through. :)

  2. I've never seen "American Beauty" and don't feel like I need to remedy this.

    YES YES YES Captain Hook was misunderstood.

    I used to be in camp "Fight you" over the Luke/Han thing. But these days, I'm kinda with you. Han's a tool. A handsome tool, who I would like to make do my bidding, but a tool.

    I don't like Indian food. I'm open to finding something I do like, but I feel badly that all of my city friends are crazy about it, and I just want to eat the naan.

    Nicki Minaj is pretty badass and there's a lot about her that's excellent for young women growing up.

    I've never seen an episode of Game of Thrones.

    Harry Potter did a lot for a lot of people, but it never did anything for me. And there's a lot of fandom pushback these days on opening up the stories and characters and calling out the racism, sexism, ableism, and etc, and THAT is a lot more interesting to me--because it's a lot of what I found lacking in the first place.

    1. Love it!

      You're not missing anything on American Beauty. I hated that film.

      Naan...is pretty damn awesome.

      I actually like a couple Nicki Minaj songs and also full disclosure I was singing her part of Side to Side all the way on my coffee run today.

      I never have seen Game of Thrones either! Fist bump!

      I loved the first 3 Harry Potters but not the ones after that. And I know a lot of people that never got into them. And it's good that fandom is looking at deeper meanings in the characters/story

      You rock Olivia! Thanks for posting!

  3. Don't give up hope! The world is still filled with way more Good People (tm) than Bad People. And while, yes, it's true that the Bad People mostly have all of the global-thermonuclear-war devices, it's not entirely clear to me that they know how to use them. So we have that going for us.

    If things do get rougher, though, and folks start getting mugged on every virtual street corner of social media, I know a guy with a house in northern Saskatchewan, so all the Good People (tm) can go there and crash at his place. He said he's cool with it.

    And if all that fails and the world DOES end, I'm pretty certain it will be the Zombie Option, as you point out, and not the BAFACED. I'm sorry, but the BAFACED theory is not supported by Real Science, which I still put my faith in. Barring alternate-dimension, parallel-universe interference (I'm talking to you, Kang), I don't believe there's a way that the Earth can just spontaneously combust, like that I guy I read about in Florida in the 1950s. He was just sitting in his chair on the front porch and POOF. But I digress...

    No, I believe that Real Science supports, instead, the possibility of the Zombie Apocalypse. And while you make a lot of good and important points about Twinkies and spiders (but, no, I do not watch The Walking Dead in my underwear, because Underoos don't count), I still believe that many of us have the necessary skills to fend off the ghouls (undead version).

    I base this off of my personal Zombie Apocalypse Survival Manual -- the Vincent Price film "The Last Man on Earth." If Vincent can survive the zombies, I believe that's a blueprint for all of us. We just need to keep our head on our shoulders and all the windows boarded up. Also, we apparently need a lot of garlic, but that's because he was confused about which apocalypse he was in and we can probably just ignore that part.

    So, in short (hardly) I'm saying: Believe in HOPE. We'll survive. We have to. Someone needs to look after the books.

    A far as your confessions go:

    -- I agree fully on Radiohead, The Dark Knight, Luke over Han, and, most importantly, MST3K.

    -- I have seen at least one Dr. Who episode. But it was in the 1980s, and that's when the show had the best theme song and opening credits.

    -- The problem with TV Sherlock is that Benedict Cumberbatch only ever plays Benedict Cumberbatch in everything he does. And that's getting kind of old. ::ducks::

    My personal Confessions of Great Import would include:

    -- I loved Genesis & Phil Collins in the 80s and 90s, but I'm honestly fine now if I never hear any of their stuff again.

    -- I'm perfectly fine with baseball being classified as a religion.

    -- I'm never going to make it through "Foucault's Pendulum" by Umberto Eco

    -- Scrapple is awesome


    P.S. -- Never read the comments! Well, I mean, never read the comments on NEWS articles. Blogs are OK. Like, non-news blogs. Because otherwise you wouldn't be reading this.

  4. Chris, you're awesome.

    I might have taken a few 'scientific liberties' on my Earth fireball theory, but I still had a little fun with it.

    I actually don't like TV Sherlock and that's super controversial so I get what you're saying there.

    Love your confessions - I have to admit. I had to look up Foucault's Pendulum because I've never heard of it!

    Shine on you crazy diamond! :)


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