I've been on Twitter way too much lately. I've been reading every political article my friends post on Facebook and even (god help me) the comments underneath. I've been watching the news before work and after work and also reading online articles.
The good thing is I know what's going on in the world. The bad thing is I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD. And everything I see leads me to only one conclusion.
I mean it has to, right? We can't go on like this forever. Everything's painful, dark and dismal and racist and sad and depressing and generally horrible, so yep, we're all going to be very dead very soon. I'm sure of it.
The way I see it, the end of the world could come in two different ways. The first involves the earth exploding into a huge ball of massive destruction in what I'd like to call The Big Awesome Fiery Apocalyptic Crash of Epic Doom or BAFACED for short (and yes that acronym means nothing). All that will be left will be a mere whiff of ozone, some discarded Snicker wrappers and thousands of individual socks that still don't have a matching partner. Because irony.
The second, and far more likely, scenario, is zombies. Everyone thinks that if zombies took over, they'd be able to handle it. The truth is we'd all be worm food because no matter how badass you think you are, you still shriek when you see a small spider skitter across the floor. So when the inevitable zombie uprising happens, you're not suddenly going to become some muscular demi-god killing machine dispatching the undead with an unlimited supply of guns and ammo at your side. Nope, you're going to be the same person you were before. The type of person who pulled a groin muscle reaching for the remote while eating a Hostess Twinkie and watching The Walking Dead in their underwear.
But before all the mass destruction and potential brain-eating, I just need to get a few things off my chest. Some confessions of the apocalypse if you will. Full disclosure: some of these are stupid, some may be (slightly) controversial but all are totally true.
So here it goes:
* I think Radiohead is overrated and I find Thom Yorke's voice to be whiny and annoying.
* The Dark Knight was just okay.
* Sometimes when you're talking, I'm paying attention. But usually I'm just Mystery Science
Theater 3000 riffing you in my brain.
* I would marry book Sherlock Holmes if I could.
* I honestly wouldn't marry TV Sherlock Holmes even if I could.
* Nutella is just okay.
* Those jeans DO make you look fat.
* Captain Hook was misunderstood.
* Eric Idle once retweeted me. This may have been the high point of my life.
* I figured out the ending to The Sixth Sense and nobody believes me but honestly I DID.
* The ugliest word in the English language is 'fart'.
* I'd take Luke Skywalker over Han Solo any day.
* I hate racists so I guess I'm kind of prejudiced that way.
* I have never seen an episode of Dr. Who.
* I ate the last cookie.
Well, that felt great. I can only hope that whatever being awaits us in the afterlife will forgive me of all the aforementioned sins and cleanse my immortal soul. Because I know some die-hards out there who are never going to forgive me for that Dr. Who one and some that may actually want to kill me over the Luke/Han one. Seriously. I might need to go underground until the world explodes.
So those were mine. Anything you'd like to confess before we all die? 😏 (Oh and sorry about that jeans thing. I just really thought you should know).
