February 26, 2017

The "Alternative" Oscars

I haven't sat through The Oscars in its entirety in years.

I know, I know...the glitz the glamour, the pageantry, who wore who, I really should be interested, but I'm not. It's not that I don't like movies, I do. But I only like certain kinds of movies.  While everybody was raving about Leo fighting a bear last year, I was proudly stating that I just saw Cherry 2000 for the first time. Also I think the whole thing is sort of dumb, to be honest. 
So apropos of nothing, I made up my own awards for your consideration. The speeches can go on as long as they want to. And if anybody asks, I'm wearing H & M, Levi's and New Balance. Thank you.

Best Christmas Present-Themed Facebook Message with my Brother:

Runner Up: An email I was copied on where my brother said he was going to get my other brother "Paula Deen,wrapped in a bow and nothing else, with a stick of butter in each ear and a few more in other orifices." I wisely stayed out of that conversation.

Best Twitter moment so far: When I realized I was blocked by white supremacist David Duke. Yeah me!!!!!

Best part of 2017 So Far: The lovely Ash vs. Evil Dead gift pack I received from the lovely Starz people. I now have an Ash vs. Evil Dead Lunch Box to go with my Ash vs. Evil Dead beer pong set. Feel free to be jealous.

Runner Up: The day after New Years, which I spent in my PJs, drinking Rumchata and playing Final Fantasy 3 on SNES.

Worst Part of 2017: Everything else.

Best Actress: The blue-haired Barista who pretended to ignore the fact that my laptop headphone jack had come undone and who patiently listened to my boring budget meeting for half an hour.

Best Actor:  Trump, who might look kind of human, but is actually one of the aliens from They Live.

Best Performance Overall: Me on I-75 this week, singing loudly to Gaston's song, complete with pantomime. With the windows down. In February. You're welcome.
In Memoriam: (no clapping please)

Dignity, class and honesty in politics
That one sweater I kept from 10 years ago that never came back into fashion
Scott Baio's career (although I think it passed on some time ago)
IMDB Message Boards (that one HURT)
The eggplant I had every intention of cooking, but forgot about in the crisper. I'm sorry.

So that was it, and no I couldn't come up with a cute name for the awards so I just called them "Alternative Oscars". Because they're not the Oscars, but I don't really want to say they're not.

Got any awards or academy-worthy moments of you're own you'd like to share? Categories are open.

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